Song lyrics

How We Breathe

1/26/15

(Verse 1)

What has happened to us

Who are these people that we see

So much anger and frustration

I’ve always wonder how we breathe

(Chorus)

Where do we go from here

Out into the unknown

Searching for our forever

Without a way to come back home

(Verse 2)

There were so many words that were spoken

Against the life that we both dreamed

Now there is so much that’s been left unanswered

Far too many things left unredeemed

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

As I watch you walk away

Confirming the hell that now we’re living

There is so much heartache and regret

How can this ever be forgiven

(Verse 3)

So now we’re left here standing

Just a little time so we can see

Is what’s done, done forever

And from this pain can we be freed

(Chorus)

Separation desperation where to go from here

I’m weepy and emotional. We finally sat down like adults and talked about what we want. The thing is that neither of us know what we want. There are hurt feelings, a scratched eye, and broken hearts. I have no clue what to do next to fix this or if I even want to fix it at all. I do care for him but I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter. I’m tired of feeling like I’m struggling to keep everything together. I don’t want to feel so alone anymore.
There are times when I get a fleeting moment of that togetherness…but it’s not enough for me.
So we are going to separate for a while and go to counseling. I’m going to go on an individual basis as well. I have a lot of things I need to deal with. I still can’t believe I hit him…
But what’s done is done and you can’t change the past. I can only move forward and change who I am.
My mom passed away just over a year ago. I miss her so much. She was my true best friend. I could talk to her about anything. I could always confide in her. Now that she’s not here I’m even more lost. That is a huge issue I need to cope with. I’m still healing. The wound has barely began to heal…now all this.
The only thing I can do right now is cry and grieve for the possible death of my marriage.

Then I’ll move on.
For what’s to come I don’t know
Just keeping myself afloat
Hoping for the best
Singing that same sorrow filled note
Unprepared
Broken
Missing where it all went wrong
Tomorrow
I don’t know.

Screw ups and unanswered prayers

I hit him and then I ran screaming after him with a knife to my wrist to try and get his attention…right in front of my kid. I’m fucking stupid. So stupid. I just wanted for us to talk yet he’d been out all night drinking with his friends. He wouldn’t come home and fight for us. That’s all I wanted. To know that I was worth the fight. To know that he still loved me. But you can’t change someone who isn’t willing to change. What I did was wrong. Really really wrong. Now I don’t know which way is up or down. I don’t know my next step or what’s to come. My future is undoubtedly fucked…all because I lost my cool.
I’m so stupid.
He says he’s going to take me for everything I have. I don’t have much. He can’t touch my daughter, she’s not his.

I’m uncertain of what he will do to retaliate. He’s really really pissed off at me.
You know there is only so much someone can take…and when the person whom you have been married to for almost ten years tells you he won’t kiss on you or show you affection besides when he’s trying to get some it create a hole in your soul that isn’t easily fixed. He could have, but for a relationship that is dying it would have only been a bandaid on a deep deep wound.
I know that I’ve hurt him too. I’m no angel. I’m not without blame. I don’t hate him. I hate myself.

Is this fair?

I really feel that I am being treated unfairly since I moved into my current position. I was told when I had my first review that that promotion would pay between $11-12 an hour. After I was given the promotion after proving myself as dependable and reliable employee. I did not call out sick very often. I had no disciplinary actions or warnings. Once in the new position I was not talked to about what my new job duties were to be nor what my pay would be. After waiting to what I perceived to be a probation period I was then told that I needed to go talk to the general manager. I did not feel comfortable doing this because he and I had in the past had a couple of altercations to where I was reduced to tears and had to leave my job duties in order to calm down and compose myself. I was afraid to go and talk to him. He had also in the past made comments to such as me needed to go see a psychiatrist because they could help me and made me feel like I was inadequate and ignorant. I felt as though he did not want me there and I had heard from a few coworkers that I did not deserve a raise because I was not doing a good job.
I was also told not to come into work during paid holidays because he “did not want to have to pay me for time and a half.”
In the mean time my health began to deteriorate. I was hospitalized or placed in treatment by my doctors and hospital physicians. As my health declined I had to take more and more time off. I began to have mental issues because off all of the problems I was having with my health. After I started getting better my supervisor offered to let me take some unpaid time off. At that time my health was improving even though I did not have a medical diagnosis. After I was finally diagnosed with several chronic conditions I immediately told my supervisor. She let me take any nessasary time off so that I could take care of myself.
Then after ten months in my new position I was finally given a performance review. This review was the third review I had in the three years since I was originally hired. The first being after ninety days then at nine months.
I knew that I had been taking a lot of time off for my illnesses and I was never once offered FMLA. My review was negative because of my absences and my personal issues.
A month later I injured myself at home and had to take time off to go to the urgent care to get X-rays. I then found out that I might have a broken bone but that I needed further medical treatment by a specialist to determine the best corse of action and to determine how much damage was actually done.
I was given pain medication as well as crutches. I was not able to use the crutches due to one of my chronic condition because it caused more pain. I was also unable to get into the specialist for almost a week and a half. During this time the pain medication I was given and had been taking at night caused me to become extremely drowsy. I was asked by my supervisor if I needed to go home for the day and then I was offered the ability to take the next day off if I felt like I needed it. I accepted the offer.
Given that I am a mom I have certain responsibilities at home one included is to take care of my children. This is back to school time and my husband works very difficult hours. It was my task to get their school supplies and I was afraid that if I did not get it done that weekend that I would not have the money, time, or ability to get it accomplished.
When I returned from the weekend I was conversing with a friend of mine about how I was able to get it done but that I had been in so much pain that it had been a bad idea. That person then said something to my supervisor who then in turn called me on it (after I had asked if there was anything i could do to help out in spite of my injury and that i felt badly that i could not help out more.)Saying that if I was in so much pain why had I gone shopping all weekend. And that I needed watch what I said during personal phone calls because something was overheard about me telling someone about how much pain I was in. At this point in time I can barely walk. I cannot use the crutches needed to stay off of my foot and I am afraid to take any more time off for fear of being fired. I asked for FMLA paperwork on Friday August 2nd because I did not know if I would need to take additional time off because of my injury and my chronic illnesses. When doing so I was questioned about why I was asking for it and then told I did not need it but that they would call our HR department about it. On Monday August 5th after the conversation about my injury and my weekend time I asked again for the FMLA paperwork. I was then asked again why I needed it and that I did not needed it. Then why I even needed it in the first place. I told her that it was because of my injury and my chronic conditions that I knew that I would have days that I would not be able to come into work that were not in my ability to control. I needed to have the protection. Then I got upset about the accusations that were made about me shopping all weekend (that was not true since I was in bed the entire day Sunday not able to make dinner or even take care of my family because I was in so much pain.) and that I needed to make sure that I only made personal calls off the clock. Since our company automatically deducts my lunch I do not clock out for it. I cannot travel very far because of my injury so if I had made a c
Personal call then it was to be considered as my off the clock break since I did not eat lunch that day. I then got mad and left considering that I was already clocked out and that my shift had been over.

I do not know what is going to happen tomorrow. I do not know if I will have a job or not when I pull in the parking lot. My supervisor did try to stop me from walking out but I ignored her. I am at a loss for what to do and I am not sure of all of my rights in this matter. We cannot afford for me to quit and my “darling” husband is being a complete asshole about all of this. I got a fucking lecture when I got home instead of a hug. I’ve been ignoring him all night long.

Happiness

I have kicked my husband out of the house a total of three times in our 9 year marriage. Everyone of them has been for a damn good reason. I admit I am in no way perfect and I make mistakes a lot but he his hardly an angel. He says that he loves me and supports me through all the good and the bad…which he does to an extent. But I find myself asking the same internal questions. Am I really happy? Do I really love him? Do I still want this?
Usually when I ask myself these questions I’m not happy, I hate, him, and I’d be a million times better off on my own.
See my husband can be a complete douchbag. I am NOT going to lie. He’s selfish, arrogant, and he lies. Then he makes me feel bad for feeling the way I do. As if I am just supposed to accept that he can go and tell everyone he’s working late but really he is meeting his friends at the bar.
We do not even share a checking account anymore because he thinks all I do is spend his money and I can’t stand watching him take his fiends out while I stay home with the kids because we can’t find a baby sitter or I don’t feel well and I want to stay in.

BTW his best friend is a she and not a he…

There have been times where I have just wanted him to go and cheat on me so that we could end things. That’s pretty sad.

I have said it before, he’s not my friend. At least not like I’d like him to be.
He can be a great guy and when things are going good between us I’m somewhat happy. But every time we get into a huge fight and I over analyze our relationship I realize what a moron I am. Yes, I love him but I feel guilty if I do not. I am not one to take marriage lightly. I know it is hard work. I’ve spent the better part of the last ten years fighting to keep it a float. But I get so fed up with the way things and how miserable I truly am. I do not want him to be the bad guy no do I want to make him feel like he’s being the bad guy even if he is acting the part.

Everyone of my friends say I should leave him. They want me to be happy so they put up with every tear I have cried over him. They have watched me walk upon eggshells while he holds his friends and his personal life above myself and our kids. He can be so cruel when he speaks out of anger it’s a wonder my kids fear rather than respect him.

Then tonight as we sat with his sister and her husband and I learned of what happens while I am at work and I got sick.
Both of us are too concerned with what the other is doing and too focused on our jobs that we have lost sight of our kids.
My son, who is 8 thinks that I just don’t care where he is that as long as he is home by a certain hour that he’s good. My daughter has almost no friends and the one she does really bothers me because she is way too “grown up” for ten. I don’t trust that little girl as far as I can throw her.
My husband wants to put our son in military school because he is stealing, lying, and manipulating us.
This is our fault. Not theirs. We as their parents are the problem. They are just kids…
Tonight I had to work later than usual because I host our cocktail hour. I made some really good money and I wanted to go to this new place that sells electronic cigarettes (I have been Tobacco free almost two years!!!) and check it out. I was also supposed to go to a birthday party for a girl that used to baby sit for us but I didn’t want to.
He called me right at the time I was supposed to get off and started saying “we are going to the pool and I’m picking up so and so and we are meeting all of my fiends and my sister down at the pool with pizza.
I just wanted to go home and relax after I went to that shop. He didn’t even ask me if i wanted to go. I told him that I was going to be stopping on my way home and he freaked out on me saying that I was just wasting my time.
So I told him I was getting off late (why not it works for him) and I still stopped on my way home. Then I get a call from my mother who says my daughter is in tears because daddy left her at home because she wasn’t getting ready fast enough for the pool. He had called her home without warning and demanded she be ready in no time flat. then because she couldn’t find her bathing suit and she started crying he left her at home. So Calmed her down and even stopped by the store and picked up a new suit for her. I still met him at the same time he got to the pool…even after going home to freaking shave and change.

I felt like he was behind be cracking the whip the entire time. Telling me that because he decided that we were going to do something that I was now on his time. Then he made me feel guilty about feeling angry like I’m supposed to be this complacent step-ford wife.

The thing that’s gets me is that he was supposed to be at home today. Then he got called on for one reason or another. Fine. Work is work. You need to take care of your crap occasionally. But no….Facebook showed it all. He had been at the bar doing shots with his “bestie”.

So now here I sit as he SNORES completely oblivious to the fact that I know he’s an asshole.
What do I do? How do I stand my ground when he’s just going to make me feel like crap about it?
All I know is that I will not be with him forever. There will come a time when I have had enough.

But is this that time? If not when will that be? Or do I stay guilt ridden forever and let him make me keep feeling this way?

Now I lay me down to…..

I have always had sleep problems and then I got married. My husband started out all cute and cuddly until we first spent the night together. I normally toss and turn for a few hours as I watch the clock taunt me with its insidious face before I finally fall off to dreamland. Sleeping with another person just adds to the stress of being able to relax. Even during sleep overs I was the one who stayed awake the longest.
Some of my methods to con myself into not having an anxiety attack about getting four hours of sleep is to have the TV on low. On a good night I can pick up an extra couple of hours so that I am not a zombie in the morning.
According to my husband watching TV before bed is the cause of my “insomnia”. EYE ROLL so we don’t sleep with it on. This was cute for a while. Aww! He cares about me!
I know that’s crap now. It’s because he likes to torment me.

HE SNORES!

So now that I have had my TV stolen he figures he can snore me to sleep with the song of his people! Uh uh! Not having it. So I turned the TV back on curled up with my pillow. If I am going to have to sleep through that I’m going to need at least one gimme.

Fast forward 10 years. It is now 10PM. I just had to give away a cute itty bitty baby kitty and I need some me time. But noo! He comes to bed early after two weeks of staying up until midnight playing EQ or WOW (whatever) and wants to go to bed and invade my space. This is how my night is going…

1) I didn’t get to eat when I got home because he stole the microwave from me.
2) I had to walk around my neighborhood with funny clothes on, no, shoes, and no bra.
3) I had to give away a cute baby kitty.
4) I didn’t get home until 9:30PM
5) he stole the remote again.
6) I stole the remote back.
7) the husband falls asleep and starts farting which wakes him up. He is startled. Oh my! What’s that smell!
8) he steals the remote back.

Now I am in the dark, slightly nauseous, and playing with an app on my phone that measures the decibels in noises. I don’t think that it’s very accurate but he’s still shaking the walls. Sometimes I want to smother him, throw something at him, or just wack him upside the head. Knowing my luck Ill end up hurting him which will just give himself something else to whine about.

Sigh…..

It figures

I had to work late this evening and I didn’t have lunch. All I wanted to do was eat, relax, and watch tv. As soon as I got in the door I kissed the husband and headed to the fridge. When that booger gets up and starts making something before I could even get to the microwave. JERK! If I were pregnant he wouldn’t be alive right now.

I protested loudly and marched into the living room to kick off my shoes and shake the girls free (best feeling in the world!). My daughters BFF was standing by the back door. Apparently our doorbell was broken and she wanted to play. It was already after 7pm but my evil microwave hoarding husband said to let them go but to be back before dark. Ok whatever just feed me.

After I ate and ate and ate I got a call from my son. I could hear my daughter wailing in the background.

“Mommy sister fell off her bike! She’s bleeding! She needs you!”

Quickly I left the house, no shoes, no bra, and in very badly miss matched Jammie’s and took off down the street.
I got to the corner and my daughter came limping towards me. I kept hearing baby kitty meows. Weird.
So I tell her BFF to go and get her bike soI can walk it home. As I turn around some random neighbor had followed me all the way down the street with a large xerox box. More baby kitty meows.

Oh crap! No I do not want a free kitten! Go away random neighbor!

Yet inside this box there was this tiny cream colored Persian kitten. He had blue eyes and looked about 4 weeks old.

“I pulled him out from under my house. Been cryin for two days. Mamma must have left this one. ”

Sigh….so against my better judgment I went home with a busted up ten year old, two happy children, and a freaking cat!

I think I wind up with a “hey I found this critter near so and so. Do you want him?” About every few months. Mostly my temptations are strongly avoided but now I have three rats, two cats, and an opinionated chihuahua…and a giant golden retriever…oh and Tom…the snake. (Don’t ask. He’s just Tom)

With my allergies I can’t handle any more “critters”!

Anyways I spent about an hour getting both kids to back up off this mamma so I can assess the kitty.

Kitty was sick. Severely dehydrated, skinny as a twig, and so young. He (I checked twice, was a he and definably not a she.) had nasty crusties around his eyes and nose. You could also see discharge coming from his left eye. So I cleaned him up the best I could and gave him what cat food we had on hand and water.

He sat right in the bowl.

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About an hour later we were leaving my friends house kitten free.

I am really a giant sucker. He was cute though.

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By the way I heard a friend of a friend is expecting a little of chihuahua puppies soon!

Just kidding…maybe.